I didn't really know what to entitle this post. Most of our posts on this blog revolve around our dear darling Caedmon (and for very good reason). Those that don't revolve around him are usually posted by Dan and are either beautiful photography or funny stories. This post is different...quite different than what our posts normally look like and sound like. But, with that said, this is a place that we've chronicalled the goings-ons of our lives and I figured, why not let you into my head (well, more like my heart)...so, consider yourself forwarned...
The past couple months have been difficult for me. The past couple weeks have been particularly overwhelming. And the last few days have been even moreso. I have felt frustrated and overwhelmed at the lack of love I have for my family. I have felt overwhelmed and unable to give as much as needs to be given to both Caedmon and my husband. Those of you out there with kiddos may understand a little of this. I am exhausted at the beginning of the day (Caedmon has decided to start waking again throughout the night, sometimes every couple hours) and is napping very little. I am absolutely exhausted at the end of the day, add to that the exhaustion that comes with pregnancy and the added stresses and adjustments with us being away from home for this long season of life. I am frustrated and disappointed with myself as a mother, but also that it seems I have nothing left for my marriage. I am struggling with a ton of guilt, not to mention worry. Dan continues to be extremely loving and patient, but that doesn't make it all ok.
All of this came together in a flood of emotions last night (granted some may just be due to preggo hormones, but most were appropriate to the situation). In a sea of despair, frustration, overwhelmedness (is that a word?), and tears, I FINALLY realized...
Of course I can't do this. Of course I can't love Caedmon fully and perfectly and give to him selflessly as he deserves of me. Of course I can't love Dan fully and perfectly and give to him selfelessly as he deserves of me. And preparing for adding another person into the mix? Wow. Of course I (by myself) am unable to love and to give. It's not in me, it's not possible on my own. It IS possible if I am relying on the Lord. As I rely on the Lord, soaking up the love and grace He pours out to me, I am able to give of an overflow. I am able to let Him love my family THROUGH me. I don't have to muster it up on my own. As I'm reminded of my inability, I think of his ability.
This is so elementary. I know I've learned it and thought it before. But never in such a real way. Never in such a way that has such an impact on the people who I love most in this world. As I was praying and crying and trying to get Caedmon to nap this morning, I did have a renewed patience and love for him. He finally went to sleep and slept for over 3 hours!! (And so did I). God is faithful. Thanks for reading this much. Thanks for being on this journey with us, my dear friends. My prayer is that I would constantly be reminded of these truths and that you, too, would know them in such a real way as well. With all that said, things are still rough, still hard, still frustrating and at times overwhelming. But instead of "drowning" in it, I'm reminded there is someone to go to with it all.
4 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 5 or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; 6 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 1 Corinthians 13 (emphasis mine)
7Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. 1 John 4 (emphasis mine)
5 comments:
Thanks for the encouraging word. Continuing to pray for you always! Lots of love! :)
Thanks for sharing your heart ... I'm with you there and continue to come to that "dependent on Jesus" state. Thanks for opening up so we can pray more specifically. Isn't crazy that it's so hard to do that ... to be vunerable? And yet it is so encouraging to those of us to read because we know it happens in our lives too. Hope to see you some time soon. Hugs.
I write to you with screaming kids in the background and more chaos than I can handle in a given day but God is giving me a moment to read and find encouragement in your post. Thank you for sharing your heart and know that I am praying for you. I have also been displaced and find myself feeling quite alone after two weeks in our new home and town. When we feel overwhelmed, it is so hard to pick up the phone and talk but know that I love you and am here for you if you need me and we can always lift up our voice to God. And on the practical side, just get out by yourself and take a walk for a few minutes. Even going to the store by yourself is a luxury that you deserve.
Kim, you are such a trooper with all you're going through, and although it sounds like you're struggling with the overwhelmedness of it all, I've yet to hear anything like a complaint coming from you. You are doing a GREAT job. You are allowing God to work in and through you, which is right where you need to be. Know that you have many of us that are praying for you! Praying this week at home will be a relaxing one for you all, and looking forward to seeing you again soon!
You are an amazing woman, Kimberly Jordan! I'm so glad to have you in my life. Remember the times (even though they were few) that we spent when you lived her...just talking and learning and growing together in Christ. Knowing you and your love has been a blessing in my life. God is faithful...call me if you need to talk. :) I love you!
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